We met over 12 years ago when we were just med students. She was dating my best friend, and she didn't really like me. Although I can't say that there were many people who did like me. I was confident (she would say I was cocky), slept with a different woman almost every night and partied way too much.

I grew out of the partying thing, as most people do, but the other negative aspects of my personality never changed. Somehow, she warmed up to me. She saw that I am an asshole in many ways, but I'm also a good guy. I'm better than most people give me credit for.

Sometime along the way she surpassed Derek as my best friend, and I started to think that she would become a more permanent fixture in my life than the guy I'd grown up with. Addison and Mark couldn't end. They wouldn't end.

I flew across the country to comfort her. I put everything on the line to love her. And all I seem to be able to do is hurt her.

She deserves someone better than me. She deserves someone who isn't cocky, someone who will put everything on the line and not hurt her. She deserves someone who knows how to be monogamous. She deserves a lot of things.

I can't even bring myself to go and find an anonymous girl at a bar to bring back to the hotel. No one could measure up to her. No one could measure up to her as a woman. No one could measure up to her as a lover. She's unattainably perfect, and no one could replace her.

Maybe one day I'll be able to find someone who can at least help me forget her. But I can't right now, she's the only thing on my mind, and I hate the thought of her happy with someone else.

Seattle is, by far, the most depressing city in the universe. Sunshine is, apparently, nonexistent. It's just this constant, depressing drizzle that seems to have no end. I'm still not certain how it doesn't flood here more often, but somehow it manages.

It's days like today, when things seem so completely fucked up, and I have to walk to my hotel room alone that I wonder why I came. Why would I, world-renowned plastic surgeon that I am, sell my practice and move to Seattle to work in a hospital? Plastics is for beauty obsessed locales like LA, New York and Miami. Why would I subject myself to the torture chamber that is Seattle Grace? There were never more people who despised me under one roof (Derek, Callie Torres, Karev and probably Addison).

But, I always realize that I honestly never know why I do what I do. Why would I sleep with my best friend's wife (in their bed nonetheless)? Why would I cheat on Addison? Why would I fly cross country for a "transcontinental booty call" when there were many others I could have gone to bed with in New York with much less complications? Why would I sleep with Callie Torres when it's pretty obvious everyone, including Addison, would know about it? Why would I pursue Meredith Grey when I know Derek has his eye on her?

Okay, so I do know. Because she's Addison and, for some reason, I can't get her out of my head. And it's really screwing me up. But I don't think I can tell her because neither one of us can handle it.

God, I miss New York....

Current Mood: Hating Seattle